Being in grief is like sitting in your very own personalized room of darkness and hell.. Some days we sit in a sinkhole of despair, changing into many costumes that Grief offers us. Grief is not only sadness. It is not just despair. It is anger. It is frustration, insecurities and helplessness.
Grief wears many costumes indeed. It is also the hollow laughs that fool people that we are well. It is the joy of seeing kids laugh and shuddering at loud arguments. It is disappointment and feeling lonely. It is the hollow space of emptiness in the heart.
We sit inside and weep while we search for the door to the outside because Grief’s company is daunting.It is exhausting and leaves you in nightmares everyday.
Day after day, we get up in the morning and grope around the room, searching every inch of it with our fingers hoping to find the faintest mark of that door. After an agonizing struggle, when we atlast manage to find the door that can lead us out, we see that the door is not wide enough for we have grown fatter with grief. Then we must struggle to lose that weight of sorrow so that we can fit through. Eat the right things and exercise and move the body even when we have Grief weighing us down like a 100 pound dumbbell. And when we finally can, we see the harsh sunlight from outside is blinding us. We can’t stay for too long outside, since the light can drain us. It is too harsh for the eyes and the mind. Joy and laughter is too much for the heart.
Grief doesn’t like the bright light and the cheerful laughter. We run back inside where we are prisoners of grief again. But we carry a little of what we learned from outside. Maybe a new song, a new friend, a new book or a new God. Equipped with this, we fight with grief in that dark room again keeping these treasures hidden from it. We constantly fear that Grief might find it. It might destroy it by wearing one it’s horrendous costumes again.
This can go on for days, months or even years. But slowly, grief lets you stay a little longer outside when you promise to come back soon. But you must do so discreetly and carefully, because you might not always bring back a beautiful song, or kind words of a friend, or a heart-moving book or an all-powerful God. You might bring in a depressing song, or harsh words of an insensitive friend, or a deceitful idea of God. These might feed your grief and make you powerless again and you have to search for that door again.
Beware not to take Grief’s costumes outside in those moments of finding these things that have weakened you.. Some people who have lived with Grief for too long, let Grief adorn them with Griefs costumes for too long. They fool the world and themselves that the costumes that Grief forces them to wear is what they are.
These people might propagate Grief through its many forms, reproducing in the hearts of those who are close to them. Beware not to do that. This would not help you and nor help those around you.
But if you remember this and venture out a million times foraging for all the right things, picking it up and scrutinizing it to see if it would be a weapon to you or to Grief, checking to make sure you are not wearing one of Grief’s costumes, you chuck out Grief’s weapons and pocket your own.
You gather all the right things and keep it hidden from Grief long enough, you will see that the room inside is shrinking. You will see Grief suffocating. Do not grow complacent now. Grief might confiscate your weapons and throw them all out leaving you back to square 1 and quickly you will see the room expanding. Because Grief is powerful. It can suck out the joy from every inch of that room and use it to expand. So I warn you to stay vigilant and guard your weapons.
But even if you are back to square 1, you now know what must be done. You have done it a million times before. Wail, Pat yourself on the back, Get up, Find that door, Venture out, Find your weapons, Chuck out the demons, Hide your weapons, build your strength, battle Grief and watch Grief slowly growing weaker.
One day you will win this battle with grief and live to tell the story like I am. But remember that in this journey you have gained immense wisdom and strength. For now you know what your weapons and Grief’s weapons are. Do not forget this information for it will be useful again. This information is personalized for you just like Grief’s personalized room for you.
Because the next time Grief visits you remember the things you learnt about Grief’s weapons and its costumes. Remember the path to that door, your weapons and how to hide it from Grief’s clutches.
