It has been a year since my sister committed suicide. A year since she gave up on life because it kept getting “hard”. It has just been a year when my mind, heart and soul shattered for the second time in my life. But it doesn’t feel like a year. It feels like 20 years have passed. Because I feel like a 80 year old sometimes, It feels like I lived a 1000 lives. It is painful and visceral but I knew someday that pain would reduce if not completely go away because it wasn’t my first rodeo. My dad did the same 10 years ago and there are still and will always be remanents of that pain in my soul.
I grow tired of all the “I wish I said that” , “I wish I had done that” that constantly sing in my head. I saw my mother suffer and blame herself even though it wasn’t her fault. I saw my pain in her and I know that there might be so many out there whose lives my sister touched and it might have been just as long for them too. To those who knew her, I wish to say these things. Remember her for her smile. Remember her for her obsession with the “Friends” TV show, her dance and her passion for baking. Remember the way she covered her teeth whenever she laughed even though we all kept telling her that it’s beautiful. I know that for those who loved her, the smell of tea, a movie that you might have watched together with her or a place you might have gone with her will bring back so many memories. I know that your google photos might have thrown random collages with her to you at random times in the day and will probably do it for the rest of your life. You might have broken down in tears or felt guilty if you didn’t.
She tried as much as she could to make people smile while searching for a smile in herself. I know the sensitive fragile girl inside that she was and also the dynamic beast that would tell people that they could do anything they put their mind to no matter how ridiculous it was. I will continue to believe that she was a strong girl even though in my head there is a voice that is so angry and hurt that would keep trying to make me believe otherwise. She was kind and patient, adamant at times, scared sometimes, brave if she felt like it, loved kids and making them smile. She was passionate for some things and worried for some things. She was a different person for every one that knew her just like all of us are to so many people around us. Remember the good times with her and the good things about her, because that is how she wanted to be remembered by.
To those who knew her and are maybe blaming themselves, I want to say I forgive you and I forgive myself and I forgive my sister. Whether I can forgive my dad or not completely, well that is a different story for another day.
I feel you Akka♥️