I have enjoyed scary movies since I was a little kid. My mom told me that I used to watch a particular scary movie in Telugu – Jaganmohini when i was only 7 years old. I remember the character dressed in all white with long black hair eating levitating food. I loved reading Goosebumps and watched movies like Ring, Grudge, Exorcist, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Conjuring and many more. ( I am a Scary movie Fanatic all my life)
So I think I somehow set myself up unknowingly to true terror in life. I wish I could tell my dad and sister that they are the main characters to my nightmares now. I woke up so many days in sweat to my sister screaming for help. I remember being unable to help her and just holding her as she cries and weeps. It is a constant struggle nowadays going to sleep not knowing what sort of dreams are in store. My own mind – a prison. My own sleep – haunting me.
I have had dreams of my sister just days after her death crawling on the floor towards me as in Exorcist. The resemblance was uncanny. I could see her head turn 360 degrees as she walked on all her four limbs like a spider. My own mind now is a horror movie production house. The funny thing is that I sometimes wake up from this completely calm. My heart racing but my face was not able to express the horror inside. I just look unperturbed. It chose to stay frozen because it couldn’t possibly express my grief and helplessness.
I understood that my life will never be the same again. No horror movie can scare me now. Not when my mind is able to conjure up personalized nightmares when I am at my weakest point – Sleeping.
When I gain my strength after these nightmares and get on with my day. I try to convince myself that these nightmares are probably not messages from them. They are not doomed as ghosts in this world. I hope not and pray that they are forgiven for their sin. It is a sin to commit suicide. But here I was stuck in a contradiction. How can I believe in two contradictory things at the same time? How can I convince myself that I shouldn’t commit suicide to escape from this pain because it is a sin and I will be punished in hell for it or possible turn in to a ghost? And also believe that my sister and father are not wandering in the world as ghosts or are in hell being tormented by devils.
10 years ago at the age of 21, my dad’s death was truamautic for us. I remember having nightmares about him for many years. I remember feeling exhausted to go to sleep but trying to conjure hopeful thoughts of the future. I would pretend that I would meet JK Rowling one day, or that I would go to Space. I would imagine a quiet life with my boyfriend with a couple of kids. I imagined a life where I could dance whenever I wanted and have the basic necessitates in life and not worry about money. I imagined my mom and Sister living in peace. My sister finding a career she loved and a person she loved. I imagined my mom living with me for 6 months a year then my Sister for another 6 months.In a way I guess I was trying to think of positive manifestations before I sleep. I think it helped because years later as i started to see more and more hope in life and things became more stable, I slowly stopped hoping for things because I think maybe because I was now living them. I didn’t feel the need to hope for things before going to sleep.
Now 10 years after my dad died, my sister committed suicide and hear I am back to square 1. I again felt hopeless. It’s somehow different from before. After my father’s death that hopelessness was more like no hope for the future.. No money.. No fatherly affection.. No dreams. Now I have stable food, shelter and love.A husband who adores me, a career that I excel, living in a beautiful city and enough money to satisfy my needs and even a few luxuries. But now that she is gone, I felt a different kind of hopelessness. A sense of anger, pain and betrayal. I felt like I struggled for her and mom and fought with my demons within and created a stable life. Yet she chose to leave. Why? I couldn’t think of hopeful things for her before going to sleep because she was no longer with me. I didn’t know how to cure the nightmares this time. The old technique no longer worked.
I started my research being a ISTJ (MBTI Personality) of trying to understand or possibly solve and alleviate these dreams. I can’t possibly go on like this. The human mind sleeps to rest and not to be plunged into nightmares. How can I achieve my good dreams if it feels like I am taking a step forward daytime and falling back two more at night. I devoured content after content looking for answers and I found possible spiritual and scientific explanations for this. It astounds me how they are at the core trying to tell me the same thing. The subconsious within is possibly rendering these nightmares!
I learnt that the subconscious mind stores the trauma it sees. Maybe my subconscious mind feels guilt and helplessness for their death and is conjuring and manifesting these dreams to convey the pain within. I tried meditation..Still trying to in fact to ease my subconscious mind. It is said that Yoga heals the subconsious mind. I have read about EMDR therapies in the book “Getting Past your Past” and tried to make sense of it. I tried a few techniques which i think helped. Understanding that there is a scientific and a spiritual explanation to the things I am feeling made me feel better. Learning how similar they were intrigued me. I wondered if there was trauma in my sister that she couldn’t fight or comprehend. Would this have helped her?
What did i do less? Where did i go wrong? What more should i have done? My mind asks these questions a thousand times. It feels guilty for living and for being strong. I thought all this time I did everything I could to make them stronger and to show them hope. But i was fooling my self. I obviously didn’t. What I did was not enough.
These thoughts still plague me. They might be with me forever. As I slowly heal myself I know my nightmare will eventually subside. Till then I must lay my head down everyday, listen to “Hanuman Chalisa” or a meditative guide before I go to sleep and hope that maybe today I can rest and don’t have to fight another battle in my sleep.
