It has been 4 months since I lost my unborn child. For almost 3 months, I tried my best to pour life into my mother as she stayed with us and bring a new life in my own womb so that we can be healed. I hoped for this new life to bring hope into our lives again. To make it easier to get up in the morning. I ate the right food, exercised, danced, and surrounded myself with good friends, stimulated by mind with work, slept when I felt too tired.
Read Garbh Sanskar, tried to be as disciplined as I can. But life didn’t manifest in me. How could it, when I was wearing a Horcrux around everyday. When the nurse took 15 minutes to dig into my insides to find the heart beat of the life that should have been there by 12 weeks of pregnancy, I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t surprised when the doctor said that I had a miscarriage. That there was no heartbeat. Ofcourse there was no heartbeat. How can i make a new heart beat when it was so hard to make my own heart beat. I think my unborn child knew. He/She knew the countless times i cried in the shower before I set out for work. They saw me walk in the middle of the night and fall in front of God wailing silent tears. They saw my husband’s worry whenever I cried into his arms. He/She didn’t want to worry us. Didn’t want to come in this world when we weren’t ready. Looks like he/she wants more from us. More from me. They don’t want a broken me. A broken soul still carrying the horcrux of my sister. I thought many things during those three months, since it hasn’t been a year that my sister died maybe she will be born to me.
Maybe she will be born in my womb like she said she wanted to 9 years ago. I longed for my sister’s hug, her smile, her chai, the way she would scold me for wearing out of fashion clothes. Even though her last words to me were “I will watch your kids from heaven”, deep down I hoped she might change her mind and be born to me again, so that I can be with her again. But no. I think she made up her mind. Maybe she really doesn’t want to come back to this world. I don’t know whats out there. What if there is no other side. What if there really is peace on the other side. No. I will not allow myself to think that for too long. For I will find peace here. I will find peace in this world. Because this is the only world I know. My books, my dance, my friends, my family, my work. However flawed this world is. I will find peace here and I will bring new life into this world.
To the unborn child of mine, I ask for forgiveness.
For not being ready to bear your life.
For holding onto the reminiscents of my past.
My past will always be with me. But I promise to not let it define your future.
I promise to make myself better and better till you decide I am ready.
Let it be weeks, months or years. I will wait till both of us are ready.
For you are a soul of your own.
A new life on this world, with your own decisions, your own wishes, your own hopes.
